OH !

       There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity

 under heaven.

   a time to be born and a time to die...

           Ecclessiastes 3: 1-2

How do i say this?

is there an explanation?

i've tried to remain positive and upbeat, find the lighter things to hi-lite despite the draggy parts of life, the pains and all that.

Reality has a way of kicking you in the butt though and yet for the last... oh... since my trip up north to see my family... my Onyx Rose... i have felt severed from reality and could not put my finger on the reason other than the fogg that hangs over much of this fibrofogged, chemically sensitive life.  Feeling disconnected is nothing new really.

a while back i mentioned having been hit with some heavy symptoms i chalked up to the usual stuff with consideration for the extra stress the journey put on us. i used to love travel and still look forward to the day we can do more...

When my husband and i drove truck our first year of marriage we were told it would make or break us.

It  made us so much closer than we ever expected. We learned to be a team... to rely on one another and the darkest moments made the lighter ones all the more brilliant. We put our trust in God as we understand that He is the Hub of our lives. The wheel is only as strong as it's connection to the Hub.

That was 16 years ago... i was 32 & B.B. was 41 years old.

Near the beginning of that crazy year we had one of our worst trials ... our first miscarriage.

We hadn't planned a baby; before i realized i was pregnant i lost it.

i know that sounds stupid. But we were both so focused on the tasks at hand.. what i called

"Elephant taming" ...

Truck driving was an exercises in patience for both of us, learning not only to tolerate each others differing ways of handling a Big Rig but it was a 'trust walk' for both of us... we were the "old dogs" learning new tricks..it was tough. It was fantastic.

 Long story: short... while i had been with my trainer we had nearly been in an accident and i had been thrown from the sleeper (which had no restraints) to the front of the cab. Just some bumps and bruises, so i thought....she burnt herself with her ever present cigarette. Within a week i was having the miscarriage out in the middle of no-where U.S.A.

My Sister was the first one i told... She had been through one... she understood.

 My Husband was 3000 miles away with his trainer.... No cell phones.. only dispatch to pass messages through.

Talk about disconnected... it was such a strange experience... Our company kept us apart for another week and tried to manipulate us into other arrangements but after what we'd just been through i was not having any of it. They threatened to fire me if i refused their plan that would keep us apart for another month or more. i refused and took the next bus back to the terminal to meet my husband... telling them that if he wasn't there i would be quitting.
i was given a brand new truck (w/13miles on it  =:O) and a load that would take me to a meet up with my Love.

At 32 i had considered myself too old to have a baby... so the whole thing was very strange to me..

A couple of years ago a Dr. told me i was going through peri-menopause... then i was diagnosed with this Fibromyalgia and the Chemical Sensitivity. My thyroid has been off kilter for years so this body of mine isn't exactly a nursery candidate.

i am 48.

we had another miscarriage.

Onyx-Rose reminds me that we now have one more baby awaiting at that "Family Re-Union"... i know we are not the only ones.
God is Good.
No matter what.