Saturday, October 30, 2010

OH !

       There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity
 under heaven.
   a time to be born and a time to die...
           Ecclessiastes 3: 1-2

How do i say this?
is there an explanation?
i've tried to remain positive and upbeat, find the lighter things to hi-lite despite the draggy parts of life, the pains and all that.
Reality has a way of kicking you in the butt though and yet for the last... oh... since my trip up north to see my family... my Onyx Rose... i have felt severed from reality and could not put my finger on the reason other than the fogg that hangs over much of this fibrofogged, chemically sensitive life.  Feeling disconnected is nothing new really.
a while back i mentioned having been hit with some heavy symptoms i chalked up to the usual stuff with consideration for the extra stress the journey put on us. i used to love travel and still look forward to the day we can do more...

When my husband and i drove truck our first year of marriage we were told it would make or break us.
It  made us so much closer than we ever expected. We learned to be a team... to rely on one another and the darkest moments made the lighter ones all the more brilliant. We put our trust in God as we understand that He is the Hub of our lives. The wheel is only as strong as it's connection to the Hub.
That was 16 years ago... i was 32 & B.B. was 41 years old.
Near the beginning of that crazy year we had one of our worst trials ... our first miscarriage.
We hadn't planned a baby; before i realized i was pregnant i lost it.
i know that sounds stupid. But we were both so focused on the tasks at hand.. what i called
"Elephant taming" ...
Truck driving was an exercises in patience for both of us, learning not only to tolerate each others differing ways of handling a Big Rig but it was a 'trust walk' for both of us... we were the "old dogs" learning new was tough. It was fantastic.
 Long story: short... while i had been with my trainer we had nearly been in an accident and i had been thrown from the sleeper (which had no restraints) to the front of the cab. Just some bumps and bruises, so i thought....she burnt herself with her ever present cigarette. Within a week i was having the miscarriage out in the middle of no-where U.S.A.
My Sister was the first one i told... She had been through one... she understood.

 My Husband was 3000 miles away with his trainer.... No cell phones.. only dispatch to pass messages through.
Talk about disconnected... it was such a strange experience... Our company kept us apart for another week and tried to manipulate us into other arrangements but after what we'd just been through i was not having any of it. They threatened to fire me if i refused their plan that would keep us apart for another month or more. i refused and took the next bus back to the terminal to meet my husband... telling them that if he wasn't there i would be quitting.
i was given a brand new truck (w/13miles on it  =:O) and a load that would take me to a meet up with my Love.
At 32 i had considered myself too old to have a baby... so the whole thing was very strange to me..

A couple of years ago a Dr. told me i was going through peri-menopause... then i was diagnosed with this Fibromyalgia and the Chemical Sensitivity. My thyroid has been off kilter for years so this body of mine isn't exactly a nursery candidate.
i am 48.

we had another miscarriage.

Onyx-Rose reminds me that we now have one more baby awaiting at that "Family Re-Union"... i know we are not the only ones.
God is Good.
No matter what.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

a hunting we will go

i know this is blurry .... but Hey! At least i was outside and have something else to write about....
We planted rainbow chard in a lovely box B.B. built for us and i found Heirloom Beefsteak and Mr.Stripey tomato's for our other planters since we are doing container gardens here in the desert.
As i was watering apparently i disturbed This little dude... some sort of Gecko ... who came wobbling from beneath the rock pile next to our makeshift garden... i'm guessing that i awoke him from sleep as he was still a bit ...i caught him! And fashioned a temporary terrarium for him so i could show him to my Love when he got home from work. Gecko loved the little rock ... why i show this blurred vision... just so you know. My camera is on the blink so that's a big-huge bummer...just as i'm improving it decides to do this... ugh.
   It's been eons since i hunted & caught lizards or any critters from the wild, this was something i loved to do when i was a child i guess part of me is returning to my childhood in a way.. at least this has made me feel young again. YAY! This teeny-tiny creature is So adorable... i immediately went on line to learn all about him, learning what he eats...Buggs!!!  i found some Termites (much to hubby's chagrin)  under an old plank of wood out back and watched Gecko hunt and eat with such enthusiasm. It made me so happy to be able to provide a comfortable environment and meal for our "guest". i learned that people keep these critters as pets, how to tell male from female.. that they need warmed spots and cool areas so they can choose which they prefer at any given moment. They don't drag their tails like lizards do but hold it aloft  & wag it back & forth as a distraction to birds who might want to have a Gecko snack... the tail detaches when grabbed (Yeeowch!) and though it grows back it's not as good as the original tail it was born with. A fat tail means a well fed little buddy who will survive lean days  best.  
Any chance this is true of peoples too???  The weight loss industry would never suggest this.

Here's what he's supposed  to look like.....

& i.....


Thursday, October 7, 2010

hiding in the attic

My mind is holed up within this Turret at the top of this neat old house i photographed many years ago. i had attended a Photog class based on special processing techniques. i could tell you where this is but... that's not the point of this post now is it ? Since losing time i realize i've lost a feeling of purpose, there's much to say, much to do i know, only it all seems to have come to an impasse. It's not that i don't care, i Do! Perhaps too much and that's the confounding part. As i keep remembering things, accomplishments, failures, competencies and ineptitude's the good, bad and the indifferent; it all seems too involved. i want a simpler life...need it like air...but air is not so lovely any more.. everywhere i go is full of aromas i dare not enjoy, can not stay to inhale all these things others take for i once did. i want to be with family and friends... but they all need their lovely aromas around them. The scented candles, essential oil (essential? to whom?) Air fresheners... does anyone really understand the chemistry we spray into the air thinking it "freshens" when it truly is Polluting the air all around them? These chemicals are often not even tested on humans nor animals to see what their short Or long term affects are. As long as people like the scent, No One seems to care what it is doing to our bodies? Least of all the chemical giants that create and promote their products as being "Healthy and Natural."
        Plutonium is "Natural" .... am i willingly going to go find a pile and take a big sniff up my nose? or spray it on my skin, or Bathe in it? How's about a little sprinkle on my corn flakes??............... i think Not!
        It's not just the scents either. Food is rife with chemistry i must avoid like the plague. M.S.G., Nitrates, Sulfur, additives. So many processed foods are loaded with preservatives and "flavor enhancers" these days. Daily i read reports, another study involving the toxicity of things we put into our mouths. Why Do we Need these things? Convenience? safety? Sure...................surely Not!)
    Some beloved hobbies/aspiring careers, are things i can no longer enjoy...  Photography and the chemicals....that wonderful  "Soup" that brings to life the hidden images on a page that have been exposed and encouraged to come out of the darkness into the light baring the touch of the Photographers creative imaginings. i loved the entire process, from loading the film into an old camera...searching out my subject, setting the aperture and all that marvelous wizardry from beginning to end that i can barely remember, much less have an intelligent conversation about. My mind once buzzed with Photographic i barely drone..

 Ah.. Yes! the 'cornball' is still skimming just under the surface of all this groaning and droning... All Iz not lost i realize...

While hiding in the attic i've been peeking out into this Bloggosphere, discovering so much. It's all So much to take in... but i am taking it in and neglecting to come back here to join in the discovery: the creation of things To discover.
There are Peoples and places and environments here...where i can go to and look around and See so many things i thought i'd never see because of these limitations that were strangling me.
i get to join my friend Funky punky  as she roams the streets of L.A. digging for treasures to bring out of the perdition of a throw away mindset. Hoping to nurture her friends and the minds of those willing to look beyond their own prejudices into the face of Community. The fact that we are a World Community.
A young woman living her dream, crossing the United States on Horseback, finding more than she expected on the back roads and  hearts of the people.
New friends 'Across the pond' who have the strength to write for a living and live a life worth writing about. Being fully aware and fully human, sharing at the cost of ones privacy, willingly reaching out to love and encourage those of us who need those gentle and strong words. "Get UP Off Your Bum!"(just paraphrasing;)
There are Homesteaders, Homemakers, a Hermit, Artists, Gardeners, a young lady in the military who rides and shows a Draft horse, an Old Geezer riding a wave of popularity as his followers join in making comments so numerous one can barely hope to find a space.  There are those like me who struggle with the things life can load upon a soul...  mind, hearts and bodies,  Yet show up here to tell of survival.
There's Photographers who share their talents and others who claim not to be Photographers who's pictures share as much joy in the experiment as in the accomplishment.
Tell me ... Is it True that one can be a Photographer now without having to Touch the chemical Soup we once used as paint on canvas? 

This Bee hive is fascinating.

Perhaps it's time to climb back down from the attic...
You can run but you can't hide.