hiding in the attic

My mind is holed up within this Turret at the top of this neat old house i photographed many years ago. i had attended a Photog class based on special processing techniques. i could tell you where this is but... that's not the point of this post now is it ? Since losing time i realize i've lost a feeling of purpose, there's much to say, much to do i know, only it all seems to have come to an impasse. It's not that i don't care, i Do! Perhaps too much and that's the confounding part. As i keep remembering things, accomplishments, failures, competencies and ineptitude's the good, bad and the indifferent; it all seems too involved. i want a simpler life...need it like air...but air is not so lovely any more.. everywhere i go is full of aromas i dare not enjoy, can not stay to inhale all these things others take for granted...as i once did. i want to be with family and friends... but they all need their lovely aromas around them. The scented candles, essential oil (essential? to whom?) Air fresheners... does anyone really understand the chemistry we spray into the air thinking it "freshens" when it truly is Polluting the air all around them? These chemicals are often not even tested on humans nor animals to see what their short Or long term affects are. As long as people like the scent, No One seems to care what it is doing to our bodies? Least of all the chemical giants that create and promote their products as being "Healthy and Natural."

        Plutonium is "Natural" .... am i willingly going to go find a pile and take a big sniff up my nose? or spray it on my skin, or Bathe in it? How's about a little sprinkle on my corn flakes??............... i think Not!

        It's not just the scents either. Food is rife with chemistry i must avoid like the plague. M.S.G., Nitrates, Sulfur, additives. So many processed foods are loaded with preservatives and "flavor enhancers" these days. Daily i read reports, another study involving the toxicity of things we put into our mouths. Why Do we Need these things? Convenience? safety? Sure...................surely Not!)

    Some beloved hobbies/aspiring careers, are things i can no longer enjoy...  Photography and the chemicals....that wonderful  "Soup" that brings to life the hidden images on a page that have been exposed and encouraged to come out of the darkness into the light baring the touch of the Photographers creative imaginings. i loved the entire process, from loading the film into an old camera...searching out my subject, setting the aperture and all that marvelous wizardry from beginning to end that i can barely remember, much less have an intelligent conversation about. My mind once buzzed with Photographic buzziness...now i barely drone..

 Ah.. Yes! the 'cornball' is still skimming just under the surface of all this groaning and droning... All Iz not lost i realize...

While hiding in the attic i've been peeking out into this Bloggosphere, discovering so much. It's all So much to take in... but i am taking it in and neglecting to come back here to join in the discovery: the creation of things To discover.

There are Peoples and places and environments here...where i can go to and look around and See so many things i thought i'd never see because of these limitations that were strangling me.

i get to join my friend Funky punky  as she roams the streets of L.A. digging for treasures to bring out of the perdition of a throw away mindset. Hoping to nurture her friends and the minds of those willing to look beyond their own prejudices into the face of Community. The fact that we are a World Community.

A young woman living her dream, crossing the United States on Horseback, finding more than she expected on the back roads and  hearts of the people.

New friends 'Across the pond' who have the strength to write for a living and live a life worth writing about. Being fully aware and fully human, sharing at the cost of ones privacy, willingly reaching out to love and encourage those of us who need those gentle and strong words. "Get UP Off Your Bum!"(just paraphrasing;)

There are Homesteaders, Homemakers, a Hermit, Artists, Gardeners, a young lady in the military who rides and shows a Draft horse, an Old Geezer riding a wave of popularity as his followers join in making comments so numerous one can barely hope to find a space.  There are those like me who struggle with the things life can load upon a soul...  mind, hearts and bodies,  Yet show up here to tell of survival.

There's Photographers who share their talents and others who claim not to be Photographers who's pictures share as much joy in the experiment as in the accomplishment.

Tell me ... Is it True that one can be a Photographer now without having to Touch the chemical Soup we once used as paint on canvas? 

This Bee hive is fascinating.

Perhaps it's time to climb back down from the attic...

You can run but you can't hide.

   

HEY !

So ..... What Givez anyway?? Since starting this BLOG thing several peoples i told about it.............. Snickered :<....  

What'z that all about???     

  Oh Bother.... for some stupid reason i can Not get This post to cooperate with me either!!!

Ever have one of These Days?? 

One of my favorite songs is by Barlow Girl.... "Never alone"... it speaks volumes of this thing Christians call "The walk"... and sometimes how it feels like we're not fully aware of the presence of Our Creator. We think our lack of feeling, seeing, being in sync. means separation in some way. Separation is a tough bugger to cope with sometimes. i know....my life started at the beginning of a Big-huge separation... and has been a witness to many more such severances of relationship. Permanence is something of little strength within the fabric of human experience.

Not so with "The Word"...John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Trying to engage my family's interest in this 'Blogosphere' has been like trying to get a child to try a new food ... you know they'll love it once they sneak one more bite ... but getting them to the table is a big honking deal!

Today i tried to comment on another Bloggers site but could not get the code word or my password to work So my "special insight" never made it to them... so ... i guess i'm having a time of it anyway.

Since getting back to our dry and weary land .... this lovely desert... i have had a horrid infection raging through my body... brought on by exposures to so many things... there was just no avoiding them without bundling up in a Space suit.... this old "Earthsuit" is just so threadbare.

i have these days, weeks, months, etc.... where my mortality is in question.... as these health things take forever sometimes to resolve, my mind can't help but think how short and fragile life really is. i want to reach out to everybody and no one at the same time. i have so much to say, but nothing makes it out... of my mind or heart.

sometimes it's best that way.

i know i am not alone...

i don't really mind being alone.

sometimes it's best that way.

My husband comes home from work or church, being around peoples... and though he makes minimal physical contact with them in consideration of my sensitivities to all the lovely scents that stick like wet glue; he ends up smelling like whatever it is that was floating around the room... the little 'pig-pen' clouds of fumessence the human bee-hive lives within... All those magnificent perfumes & essential oils i once loved as a Bee loves spring blossoms.

So... in a round about way... since people literally make me sick.... and really aren't able to do much about all the modern conveniences they take for granted everyday....

i've migrated here.... to this Blogos-hive...

i hope you feel free to comment here... just say hello... i'll try to bee-have, i haven't stung anyone recently...that i know of. 

& Grace....i know i owe you a letter.... it's still buzzing around in my heart & mind.

Do people giggle at YOU when you tell them you Blog?

Bee well

*kare

But Wait ... There's More!

Since returning from our trip down the Rabbit hole my body has been in rebellion Big Time... the Gamut has run me over. (What's a gamut anyway? i  know, i know ... it's just me being Me-low-dramatic... don't you just love Words and language? ) i'm sittin here trying to remain seated at our old desk while having to get up and move around. My lower back muscles are in spaz mode so standing and walking feels better, takes my mind off the constant reminders. Yeeks!

Then there's poor Abby doo da looking confused at me..

"Are we gonna have a sit down & relax or are we gonna take Walkies? ? Schee 'cause either way i'm gonna be bringin' this ol chewie stogey thingy... Schee ." (in her best Bogart voice)

So.. Where was i ....were we??

 Somewhere up in Northern California.... Near the Oregon border... What the locals call The " State of Jefferson".

Yes, we were up there... getting fumigated... if memory serves me right.. Uh-huh. Is there a saying about timing? Getting it right or It getting the better of you ? Well anyway, our timing for this trip Stunk! It really Smelled! Truly... everything around us was just being hosed down and bug bombed and smoked out.... We found out the next morning the Apartment where my mother lives was being "treated" for insects. The X-terminator would be spraying the entire exterior of the building. We had tripped into Fumigation central from the Central Valley of California all the way up to the tippy top of the state, there was not a safe place for Iznaabugg to go. i felt like a bugg in a can of raid.  >:{  ... i did !

"But Wait...There's More"... not all was lost. The whole reason for this wild ride... this backwards flight of Mr. & Mrs. Bee; was to make connections.... & Connections we made. Just as the Bee goes in search of sweet flowers and when she finds them does a little Honey Bee jig of joy sharing her discovery with her Hive; we found that Sweet Nectar of Connectedness and did little dances of joy. We had fellowship, huggs and kisses, with Onyx who stayed a night with us in our motel, & we met her funny kitty Oreo...who is quite the character. There was a wonderful re-union dinner with my Sisters and our Nieces & Nephew who are awesome young adults now..So mature yet winsome and lighthearted... it was like stepping into the land of the Elven kings in The Lord of the Rings, so surreal and otherworldly to my mind...they are so stately & regal...yet mischievous, teasing & buzziness. This decrepit old heart found refreshment in the nectar of laughter, smiling faces, banter. Bittersweet indeed...knowing we would soon be flying back down south again...yet grateful and hopeful that these moments, this happy dance, might someday be repeated... perhaps the invitation to visit our honey bee haven might Bee of interest at some point in their Honey bee lives?

             

 There are some Lovely flowers here in the desert... Did you know?



What a Buzz !

B.B & i are recuperating this week from our Bumble Bee flight to far Northern California to see Onyx-Rose, my Mother.

   It was quite a buzz- literally... my head is still buzzing from the whole experience and i'm trying to put it all into perspective. It went by Way too fast in 'real-time' and in my mind, my heart can't seem to flesh it all out..not yet anyway.
  Most California freeways are set to a 70 mph frenzy that we have not participated in for years so this in itself was mind bending. Leaving in the early a.m. was good since it made the scorching desert miles between us and the main freeway less hazardous despite the insanely paced traffic, But the darkness made it a bit like a trip down the Rabbit hole for me. Vertigo plagues me at the most inopportune times... it's better  to leave the "Dark-thirty" driving to Bill. i do my best to relax & try to enjoy the 'E-ticket' ride til the sun comes up and helps me focus further up the road.

     Anybody out there remember 'E-ticket' rides? i'm showing my age; Aye? Glad to be aging though,  i tell ya.... there've been times i wasn't so sure i'd be doing this. Though this "E.I."  may not be fatal... there are times it seems it will be. This trip up north  and the toxic minefield we encountered was one of those times and an example of why we came to this desert island and are planning to move further out away from the Human Beehive... we just aren't far enough, though it is much better here than any place we've been so far.

   Those who know the road from Needles to the I-5 freeway understand the Tehachapi's mountain pass is a big hurtle before reaching the flat valley stretches... we made it over in record time... Yippee!! or so we thought...the descent into the Valley below soon made it clear to us that i was not going to have the most enjoyable encounter... because the air down there was NOT clear... it was So hazy and acrid i could taste it on my tongue. My eyes, nose and lungs began to burn like a fire had scorched the air around us; it was so bad even B.B. complained! If you've ever had a breeze change direction at a camp fire you know how that smoke can burn ??.... Uh-Huh...  that's how it felt for me driving into that toxic smog bank. If i hadn't had the urgent need to see Onyx and the rest of my family we would have turned around right then, but we had already stretched time out too long between visits, there was no going back.

As the old saying goes... it was all downhill from there... even our hope that there would be clean air up north was erased.

     i follow fire reports for the North California forests because My family lives in The Siskiyou National forest area and i am always aware of the conditions. i used to work for the U.S.F.S.  where i learned a little bit about weather and it's effects on the forest eco-system.... i also  track fire activity and keep family and former co-workers in my prayers when fires occur. Well, there had been lightening strikes all along the Northern forest with fires still smoldering when we arrived, so there we were.

Whats that??  "Out of the frying pan... into the ....?" ... Yup... & breathing it!

   One of my sisters commented how there had been none of the normal breezes to clear the air... and people in the area were having trouble with allergies & such. The break we had desired was denied.  

 

We checked into a Motel close to family as all of them had upheavals within their homes... one sister was having major re-modeling to her kitchen, the others Husband had just had knee surgery and my mothers apartment would not allow Abby because she's too big and scary . So here's a shameless and unsolicited plug for Motel 6 who welcomed our big girl without even flinching and also did not clean the room with smelly chemicals while we were there... they just vacuumed, changed the linens and gave us fresh towels. What sweet hearts! We brought Abby specifically for Onyx as she is a dog lover above all and this trip was for her as much as us... we joke back and forth about her looking forward to seeing Abby more than B.B. and i... it may be true ;) So anyway we were very Thankful to Motel 6 for making our time on the road so much easier. (and No i am not being compensated in any way, shape or form, they were just very good to us!)

   As we were settling in our room my Sister & Mom drove up having themselves been on the road from a trip to the Dr.s ...A sight for sore eyes. Many kisses and hugs and nonestop talking then my sister left Mom with us at the Motel and we shared some time. She & Abby bonded as only a Grandma and "child" can and we were all happy. 

 

The next hurtle for me was at Mom's apartment... the building was highly scented with all those things people use in public places...scented air "fresheners", cleaning products, bengay and old spice, all those lovely things people can't live without and i can't live with. Mom's personal apartment had been cleaned beautifully spiffy and of course there were fragrances of her own special choice permeating her environment. i did my best to cope and not breath too deeply... not easy. {*-*}

   Well, i need to take a breather so i'll have to get back to the "rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say, on the next post... or as my Sweetie B. always says "But wait, there's more!"

   Till then ...  Bee Well and Bee Swell... Blessings from above.

*kare

Sauna day

Sweet B. was up by 4:a.m., i had trouble dragging my ~uh-huh~ out by 4: 15 a.m.~~ blugh! He had a cup a Joe waiting for me... My sweet-heart ! i Am blessed.

    B.B. went to work down the road... i had laundry to do down the street at the "sweat O matic" ... the temp and humidity was high and there was only a fan blowing inside closed doors ... i was told a sauna would do me good... so... instead of feeling all pity poor me i decided to just enjoy it... and for the most part, Did... until this guy showed up and started grumping about everything... NOthing was the way he wanted , everything was Wrong... and you know what??

 i Still had a Great time! i did what my Hub always does... i razzed~~  "Hey! Welcome to the Sauna! It's a Great Big crazy world and it's stinkin' Hot Yah! but you know what? We're on the Top side of this hill, Not underneath bite'n the roots of daisies!" Yah, i let him gripe some more (what else could i do?) and even agreed with him that "All" in the world is not so well... i know this everyday don't i ~~~ yup~~. Life is quite the ride isn't it. By the time my laundry was folded and i was leaving we were bantering back and forth about how funny things are.. the absurdities of life... and he said "Hey What day is today? " i said

"It's Sauna Day!"

Phone Home

@ 1:30 a.m. B.B. called me sweetly from my dreams to invite me for our planned viewing of the extraterrestrial light show we had been  anticipating.

The Perseid's  were showering in Meteor fashion... this morning, so they say. We got up early to see. Apparently the "girls" are a little shy... one long streak followed by a short dash with a long space in between. But with local P.D. out shinning spotlights in the area looking for a reported perp. i guess i can't blame them for their avoidance tactics.

We eventually went back inside to avoid the blinding lights of our protectors. But not before being fumigated by a couple of concerned citizens who made a visit to our out of town neighbors place. As we were waiting for the sky to illuminate with it's promised light show i noticed voices coming from the carport and called out... "HellOoo!" normally one should mind their own business but i figured since this neighbor has been the victim of thieves recently i should at least determine the I.D. s of these shadowed visitors.  They responded in kind, greeting us with a bit of surprise but understanding of our inquisitive nature. Their cigarette fumes preceded them and we made a little small talk about the expected Meteor show & recent rash of break-ins til B.B & i could stand no more... it was very nice of them to be concerned, they said the same of us and went on their way smoke trailing merrily behind them & stopping to linger over the porch we stood on. Aarggh! i respect peoples right to smoke and do unto themselves as they see fit ...but i've never understood why it is that i must be forced to "smoke" along with them... against my will. i mean i've never popped my Bubble-gum * *   in any ones hair or face and i don't leave it on the ground for others to step on ... though i know some do.

 Are there No such things as smokeless cigarettes? i'd really love to exercise my right to breath fresh air... but then maybe there is no such thing?

 i learned early on that enclosed spaces are full of particulate matter i can Not deal with ... so i've had to limit my visits to places i formerly enjoyed... such as Church...The Bee hive i once loved despite it's sometimes toxic personalities. For me learning to not just tolerate but actually Love unlovables gave me a feeling of accomplishment and peace about my place in the narrow scheme of things...since i was not trained in ministry as my Husband is.

When i began having to retreat from the overwhelming Chemistry's present there it was a blow to my sense of self. Then some of the toxic peoples began criticising me for avoiding contact with this environment Claiming i was running away and not fulfilling my responsibilities as a Pastors Wife; it sent my soul reeling... as that was the last thing on my wish list. Above all i wanted to come along side my Husband, be the helpmate he needed and deserved in His life's passion to see lives changed, souls light up with the Light of our loving God who put the breath of life within and promises His spirit, the breath of Eternity.

i spent too much time struggling to prove these Toxic people wrong... willing myself to stay within the boundaries they expected of me... running from my post as child watcher to my place in the Praise team then back to my charges who had trouble sitting still... without someone to guide them. The "Toxic's" often sat across the way setting the most awful example to the little ones on how to behave in the company of many. My little ones would often ask why those "Grumpy People" could talk during church but they had to be quiet?  It was quite a conundrum as these same people would loudly "Hisssshhhh!! " when a child spoke out-loud, yet talk loudly amongst themselves throughout the entire service (hearing aid anyone??) i told these sweet children that the "G.P.s" had never been taught manners and that we should;"Pray for them just like we pray for others who don't know any better. What better place for the grumpies in life to learn... than Church... where we,(the children and i) could do our best to be good examples?"  

It's kind of like people who blow smoke in your hair or industries that emit toxic chemicals into the atmosphere. Apparently no one ever taught them about the effects of their chosen actions & they "know not what they do"... There are allot of things people do that are toxic and unhealthy.. i myself have been dealing with some habits i've learned are not conducive to the best health, physically, mentally, spiritually. i'm learning  manners that i hope will create safety & promote wellness around me, to the best of my abilities and limited knowledge. i pray for wisdom in my choices and patience to stay the course, not get discouraged when the path is rough.

It will be rough... life's path is full of obsticles and changes in terrain... am i an example to anyone who needs to learn how to live differently? i don't know, but i Do know places where examples can often be found... for how to behave (and to miss-behave unfortunately). The building that consists of the Church is a good place to start for those who need and can tolerate all kinds of folks and atmospheres...  the people who Are the actual Church the "body" .. can be a great help... in encouragement and prayer to support our efforts to De-detoxify our lives. There are healthy Beez out there... and i've been told there are healthy Hives...  but like the Perseid "girls" B.B. & i witnessed  i am still a bit shy of being put on display. If i show up i may streak or dash right by without much fanfare, intent on getting from point A to some other point i've~~~ lost track of  along the way ~~~~a breathing space. Yes, a place to catch my breath.

The point for me bee-ing ~~~ the best place i have found to learn and grow in my walk as i detoxify my life has been the "Word"  ...the one place that shines it's spotlight on the places the 'hoodlums' in my mind & heart try to hide. i pray for wisdom yes, but mostly i pray for connection to the One who calls me... calls us all  to "Come Home" ... we are Not of this earth .. we are just visitors in our "Earth suits"..... searching for the place we belong.   ... all we have to do is ............

Phone Home!

good medicine

When we came to the desert we decided a Temporary dwelling would do til we find the ideal spot to set down roots. Our tiny "Vacation Cabin" (sardine can) is a funny little old trailer home in need of a Big-huge face lift, Starting with the outrageously green kitchen cabinets! We would have painted them out sooner, but i just couldn't part with the funniness of these things... every morning i love when the sun rises and highlights how crazy my kitchen is ... it Just makes me Laugh! So B.B. found this sign for me to add to the silliness. The best part for me is when we describe our lovely color scheme to friends & then see their expressions once they get a gander at them in person, HAHAHAHAA!

So fun. 

This week i removed all the doors in order to paint them outside... if i can help it i need to limit those kind of fumes inside the house. At least til Monsoon is over and we can open all the windows & doors so it can Off-gas to the outer world for a time. Then i'll be mostly confined to the back of the place with my clean area closed off from the painted area. My already tiny living space will have gotten tinier.

Hub.B. & i have always enjoyed  remodeling our living spaces to our unique standards.... it is a challenge to do this within the limitations my Sensitivities present. We are designing our next home to be more than just a clean sanctuary, free of pollutants, but are looking to go off-grid, using solar and design to create a desert oasis free from the Hum of traffic and busyness. We'd like it to Fit in to the landscape easier than most stick houses seem to do. 

 For now we are content to play with this little place... creating an oasis in the middle of a trailer court. With the river nearby some folk decorate their homes with a maritime theme... some island style as well... Palm trees grow fairly well here... i have a mini grove growing at the front of our place. i suppose i need to be a tuffy and go out & thin it so they will grow big and tall ... but i like the wildness of  letting them have their own way. Maybe i'm strange but i like the contrast some wildness brings to the mundaness of cookie cutter "trailerhood" living. At least i hid my pink flamingo's in the inside court yard!